Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.