I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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