just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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