from now on my penis is your penis
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
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I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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