We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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