Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
