I like to think it a success when the cops are called
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
