Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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