My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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