You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
