Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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