all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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