my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
