I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
