I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
