Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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