hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
