You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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