I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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