Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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