Jerry, you need to find god
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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