Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
