Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize