I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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