My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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