So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
