Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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