I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
