Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
