U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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