I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
