Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
