he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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