dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
