obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
