Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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