I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
