Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
