When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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