you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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