He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
