Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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