I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
