bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
