i need an iv and a liver transplant
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
