I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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