Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Is it because I queefed?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him