I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
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i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
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WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.