Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
