I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I AM VODKA MAN
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
