I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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