I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
