Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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