i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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